As stepmoms, there is no limit to the occasions that we are left feeling unappreciated, insignificant, or like we simply don’t belong and Mother’s Day is a big one.
Leading up we can feel excited, anxious, and full of hope that this will be the year that we are finally recognized in a way that makes us feel loved and accepted. Then the day comes and the most attention we receive is to be asked what we will be making for dinner which leaves us feeling disappointed, resentful, and frustrated. Why do we even bother…
I’ll tell you why we bother. We love them, or we at least love their dad, and it is what we committed to. A feeling of the pull to care for our family overcomes us, even if we didn’t create it. We want to see them happy, we want to feel like we have purpose and we want to have the family we dreamed of when we started dating a single parent.
So this Mother’s Day, I want you to consider a few things, five to be exact, in hopes that you will not be left feeling like you are doing it all for nothing.
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Communicate your expectations
Expectations are often what leaves us feeling let down, not the actual action, or inaction, from the members of our families. We build up a story in our own minds, share it with no one, and then expect it to come true. This is not how this works… our partners are not mind readers, oftentimes they are also not great at picking up on subtle hints, so spell it out. Do your part. Figure out what it is you are wanting and be clear with your partner.
Do you want a handmade card? Ask for one. Do you want the kids to just acknowledge you by wishing you a happy mothers day? Tell your partner to encourage them to do this. Do you want to get out on your own, or grab lunch with a friend? Let your family know. It is actually far easier to express where we are at with our family than let them catch our wrath after the fact.
Take the Pressure Off
Often early on in our journey as a stepmom, Mother’s Day holds the same awkwardness that valentines day brings when you first start dating someone. You can get nervous, or feel uncomfortable at the thought of being acknowledged at all in terms of motherhood. So take the pressure off. Shift the focus, suggest you help the kids make something for their mom, or grandma and start there.
If you get involved somehow with putting attention on another woman in their life, you are unconsciously letting them know that you aren’t expecting to be the main attraction. You are also giving them permission to focus on others and not worry about you. If they do decide to do something for you, just take it for what it is and don’t read too much into it. They are simply letting you know you are doing a good job or doing what their partner has asked them to. Enjoy the moment and allow yourself to feel the love!
Change the Role We See Ourselves In
What if we stopped trying to fit into the mom role? What if we allowed ourselves to create a place in the family that isn’t already belonging to someone else? We are not the mom, however, that doesn’t mean we are insignificant. We are the stepmom, which doesn’t need to mean that we are the mom sometimes… or a backup mom…. Or someone who has to battle for whatever scraps are left in the mom category.
We can be whatever we want in our family, that’s the true beauty of being the stepmom… there’s not a mold to fit into, the expectations are blurry and we are able to outline what we are and aren’t willing to be in our homes! Isn’t that way more fun than trying to fill a space that we don’t actually want to be competing for anyway?
Take Time to Celebrate Yourself
Why wait around for someone to do for you what you can do for yourself? A really solid way to ensure you are happy with what comes your way on Mother’s Day is to plan it for yourself! Make your own day what you want it. If you want to go somewhere as a family, plan it. How about going to the spa? Well then go! If you want to spend time with a friend, call them up! There are no rules, do what you need to do to ensure a day that you feel good!
Focus On Our Own Parents
What better way to ensure you feel fulfilled than making your own mom, or stepmom happy? Because letting someone else know how much we appreciate them has a ripple effect that leaves us feeling all those warm and fuzzy feelings right along with them. So if you are feeling unappreciated, shift your focus and see how your mood changes. The more we bask in those feelings of resentment, the stronger they get.
Mother’s Day can be such a difficult day for so many of us, but we do have more control than we give ourselves credit for. If you take this advice and still feel you are struggling, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I will remind you of all that you are and all that you do, and just how much you matter!
Happy Mother’s Day, to all of the women being a positive force in a child’s life, whatever that may look like.