We’ve all been told to do this, by ourselves even. It’s the goal, isn’t it? Love them like they are our children? But when it comes down to it, there are many reasons this is an unreasonable expectation… here’s why.
History
Stepmoms are coming in after, some of us long after, the children have developed their support system. They have a mom, a dad, aunts, uncles, and grandparents, they aren’t depending on us to survive. When we have children of our own, they do look to us for survival. They get used to us being the ones to take away pain or discomfort. They’ve learned that we are the people that will always be there. It’s a special bond, you’d do anything for that little baby, who looks at you like you have all of the answers.
Stepparents don’t usually get that same reception. We come in late after their parents have split. Often we are the nail in the coffin of the dream their parents will get back together or a threat that we will take their parent away from them, or be the reason their parent in the other home is sad. There are so many hurdles just to be accepted by the kids, never mind loved!
Comparison
Let’s say we get through all of that initial stuff smoothly, the kids don’t resent us, we get along, and everything is going exactly how we’d hoped. Then one day, they make a comment about their mom… our partner’s ex, the person who was in this position before us. It’s like a shot to the gut. You suddenly feel like the momentum you believed you were building has come to a grinding halt. It can be as simple as “that’s not how my mom does it” which can make you feel like your heart is broken and your life with these kids is not what you had believed it to be. It’s hard to get to the point where this doesn’t feel like judgment, especially if their mom hasn’t accepted us. We instantly add a layer to our shells in order to protect our hearts from these moments.
Logically, I know this is unfair I get that we should be above this but tell that to my emotions! It’s a process to get your mindset to a place that can limit the impact, but before you get there, boy can it hurt.
Loyalty Binds
This one is tough to overcome. Children will be afraid to get too close to you if they are experiencing a loyalty bind. They will build walls between you to avoid hurting their mom. While we can empathize with the kids, it makes it tough to love them like our own. Some kids will straight up tell you that they can’t like you because their mom would be sad, and others will be more subtle. If we even get a hint that this is happening, we often create even more distance by assuming all behavior relates back to this. The slightest attitude and we will instantly think their mom put them up to it. Either way, it makes it difficult to let go of the insecurities surrounding your place in their lives.
Lack of Interest
Let’s face it, not everyone wants to be a parent! This does not make the stepmom a bad person, nor does it mean they shouldn’t be a stepmom. We’ve all heard, “you can’t help who you love”, stepmoms are not immune to this! We fell in love with our partner, not the idea of being a mom, or at least I hope! It’s not fair to suddenly expect someone who never wanted to have children, to come into this role and change their whole view on parenthood. As long as you are expressing your boundaries to your partner, respecting the kids and not trying to come between them and their parent, this is not an impossible situation to make work!
Society
Telling a group of moms you’re the stepmom is uncomfortable. The mood instantly shifts. Society often has negative stereotypes and misconceptions about stepfamilies, which can impact how stepmoms feel about their role. For example, many people view stepmoms as “wicked” or uncaring, which can make us feel like we are constantly under scrutiny and not accepted by society. This makes it difficult to fully immerse ourselves in the role, for fear of rejection and the need to protect ourselves. In order to limit the impact this has on your stepfamily, we need to build up confidence in our position.
To Wrap Up
Being a stepmom is challenging and comes with its own set of emotional hurdles. These five reasons explain why stepmoms may struggle with feeling like a “real” parent compared to a biological parent. The pressure to love the children like their own, or feel the same feelings as their partner can add to the resentment or stress we experience. Allowing a stepmom space to develop organic relationships with the kids and shift in her role until she feels at home is the road to take if you want your family to feel at peace!