When I first started dating a man with children, I started imagining what life would be like when we became a family. I was googling what to expect and came across this video (shown below).
I couldn’t wait for bio mom and me to develop our friendship. On double dates, the four of us would sit at a restaurant laughing and talking about the kids. We would plan trips, holidays, and have a wonderful life together, with open communication and consider each other close family.
I couldn’t have been more naive.
Here’s a list of my top five shattered expectations:
1. Bio mom and I would be fast friends.
We had so much in common already! We fell in love with the same man. We had the kid’s best interest at heart, and they would be our common ground.
I never considered the possibility that we might still love the same man, or that my role in the kids lives could feel threatening to her. She was not as excited about our blending as I was, that became clear.
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2. The adults would always rise above for the kids.
I was raised by a single mom. She was strong, caring, and did what was right for us. Period. I believed that mothers do what is right for their kids, before what they want or need naturally.
This is not as simple as I had once believed. It is not natural to have another woman mothering your children and looking back, my expectation that I would be welcomed into the role was perhaps a tad much.
3. We would always be informed of what was going on with the kids.
The children have two parents who love them. They would need to talk and keep each other informed of what was happening in the kid’s lives. This was something I expected, and accepted, right from the beginning.
Again, this did not go as smoothly as I’d anticipated. We had to learn to let go of expecting to be let in on what was happening in the kid’s lives, take what we could get from the kids, and keep faith that they were thriving.
4. Travel plans to see the kids would be straight forward.
Oh boy, this one was so far from the truth. I truly thought that if we were going to take the time and money to fly across the country to see the kids, we would be able to see the kids…
Unfortunately, we have always struggled so hard to get what little time we have with the kids. We have had to pay lawyers more money than I care to admit to even have the kids be allowed to fly out to us at all.
5. Being a step-parent would be easy.
I knew I would love the kids. I knew my guy was an incredible dad. I was almost sure the kids would like me. I knew their needs would come first in our home, always.
What I didn’t know was how painful some situations would be. Being reminded that my kids were not my kid’s way too often, by way too many people. Seeing the look in their eyes when they had to leave their dad or being told in their little voices they didn’t want to go.
Or how I would get a pit in my stomach every time they talked about their mom. The feeling of rage that would overcome me when they would show up with stuff from their other home after bio mom was asked not to send anything. Having to suppress these feelings in the moment, knowing that they are irrational.
Hindsight being 20/20…
I would have not tried so hard with bio mom, perhaps let things develop more naturally… admittedly I made some mistakes. Had I thought more about how I would feel from her side – this woman was the enemy encroaching on my territory – maybe we could have had a better relationship.
She did not plan to have me be a part of her family, no one even asked her, and here I am trying to be pals raising the same children, except I’m with dad and she is not.
How did your ideas of step-motherhood differ from reality?
Leave your comments below!