Being a stepmom is not an easy gig. You love someone else’s children, you love them like they are yours but will never be treated like you are their mom.
We live under a microscope. Pushing to be perfect so we are not criticized, while always feeling judged by someone. Whether it’s a coworker, a teacher, a waitress who calls us mom and is corrected, their “real” mom.
I know I’ve felt it. When the kids have compared my actions to their mom, I’ve felt it. It can be the smallest thing, but any variation of “but my mom does it like this” can leave me irritated to the point that I just want to retreat into my bedroom and close them out.
I’ve struggled with the competitive feelings between myself as the stepmom and their biological mom. I’ve been working to see her differently, as a person instead of a threat to my family. In doing so, I’ve realized a few things.
It’s possible I feel I’m living under a microscope because I’ve put her there. Anytime the kids say something I don’t like, I immediately put the blame on their mom. She must have said that to them, placed the idea in their head. I blow it up into something much deeper than the comment itself, painting her to be a monster.
Most recently, it was my stepdaughter talking about her confirmation. We were planning to fly back to be there for this event, however, it has been pushed and altered due to covid. My stepdaughter finally received some information on it and told us it would be between June 3 and 7. Then she advised due to covid, only immediate family was allowed inside “so you guys would have to stay outside”. She said this to her dad and I was enraged. I was certain I heard her mom in the background while she was speaking and without a doubt, this was coming from her. I piped up “So that means your dad and your mom would be allowed in”.
Join our email list and you will receive a free download of my book A Stepmom’s Guide to Figuring Out Her Role In a Blended Family.
I had to walk away I was so furious. How could you do this to a sweet little girl?! She has a dad that loves her, why are you trying to teach her he is not her immediate family?! This was not the first scenario where physical distance was used as a wedge.
Since talking to my husband about this conversation, he let me know that she did say the limit was two people and she wasn’t sure what that would look like. If it’d be him and her mom, or her mom and grandma… but she did include him. I just didn’t hear that over my rage.
After calming down, I considered the fact that it is possible her mom wasn’t guilty of pushing her dad out. It was possible that she just wasn’t sure that we’d make it with covid, or giving us an out not to fly all that way in the midst of a pandemic. It’s possible she meant me and her brothers when she said “you guys”. It’s possible.
So, I’m trying to give the benefit of the doubt to their mom, the same courtesy I’d like to be granted. In doing so I’m finding more peace, feeling more connected, and overall happier with my situation.
To believe your children are being raised by someone who is constantly trying to hurt them is stressful, to believe your children are in the hands of a woman who struggles just like you, that’s something much easier to live with. I recommend we all give it a try.