Sometimes I get caught up in the moment. In the drama. In my fear of the kids not knowing the truth. There have been conversations that have resulted in my inability to see past my rage. I lose focus on the bigger picture. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s the truth. This happened recently, but this time I was brought back to what mattered. The kids. The innocent little people who have no control over any of it. I was reminded that all I can control is my response.
We were hoping to gain some clarity, that was the intention behind this text exchange. In the end, we were just as confused, but fuming over an unrelated accusation. The conversation quickly turned to a day we shared with the kids 10 months ago.
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The focus was shifting
We had challenged them to go 24 hours without complaining. We had spent so much time, money and energy into making it a great summer. Yet, we were listening to seemingly endless whining. Our intention was to refocus everyone on the positives.
This was the scenario. The catalyst. This was what gave someone the drive to toss accusations at us.
My first response was panic. Did we upset them? We need to address this with them! Our intention was not to be hurtful. My heart was pumping.
Then I turned to anger. Who is this woman to tell us how to parent?! How dare she bring this up now… why wouldn’t you address this when you heard about it?!
My mind was stuck on this issue for days, planning how we would address it with the kids. I was determined that we needed to get this out. Allow everyone to share their side of the story. Make sure there were no hurt feelings.
Then I talked to my mom
She reminded me of how I would have felt if this were us. If I felt I couldn’t share my feelings with my mom as a child. How would I have responded if I thought it would hurt her to know I was happy when we were apart. The worry I would have experienced if she would’ve told my dad I was venting to her about him. If I then had to defend the conversation I had with her to my dad. It brought me back and reminded me that all I can control is my response.
Allowing someone to bring us down into that space is only going to perpetuate the chaos for the kids. They don’t need to hear our side. They will see things for what they are, even if it’s not for years to come.
We are responsible for setting the tone in our house, no one else
We need to be a safe space for them. In the midst of a high conflict separation, kids need to know they have somewhere to turn. If they are constantly needing to validate both parents, who do they get to depend on?
So, we’ve decided we are going to leave this where it is, in the past. However, we have discussed that perhaps we can be more open with our intentions to the kids. It is possible we didn’t frame things exactly right so that we can work on.
Now, I’m back to pure excitement about their arrival. I no longer feel the pit in my stomach, dreading having to have this conversation.
I will no longer hold any space for the conflict that doesn’t belong to our family. It does not benefit our home and I will continue to work on creating a loving, safe environment for the kids. I will remember that all I can control is my response. I must do that for them. They deserve it. We all need it. This is my focus.