When I started dating a man with kids I never considered looking for a stepmom support system. I truly didn’t understand what getting involved with a blended family meant, although people will tell me that I knew what I was getting into.
It was obvious that I would love the kids. I was confident I would be friends with their mom and I was sure we’d have the kids as often as time and finances would allow.
Maybe I was naive, maybe I was optimistic, but I was definitely wrong. It wasn’t long into our relationship before we were in a lawyers office, telling them we were ready for a custody battle and writing the largest cheque of my life up to that point.
Things were moving fast. Our retainer was dwindling and I was learning that I needed to do more to save some money. I needed to get as much information as quickly as I could so we would be able to make it to a trial on the thousands of dollars we had already spent.
We did all that we could, but we ended up feeling taken by our lawyer and getting the bare minimum visitation through mediation. A route we were advised wasn’t an option in our initial meeting.
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I wish I had access to a Stepmom Support System
It left me feeling defeated, as I’m sure many of you have felt. I wish I had been warned. That there was someone to guide me down the right path. Someone to tell me to at least attempt mediation before spending all that money on a lawyer.
While I did turn to the internet, I found so many angry forums. Mostly just women bitching about the biomom’s, or the court system. But nothing helpful, just stories to get me riled up all over again.
This was my first experience in my stepmom journey that left me longing for someone who understood, someone who could tell me that they survived it and things would get better. Someone whose family was thriving even after going through hell and back.
With all of the stepmom’s out there, it seems surprisingly rare to have one in your friend group. At least a like-minded stepmom who has similar issues.
Over time I have found wonderful ladies who I have connected with. Women who will correct me when I’m losing sight of the big picture. Or women who will cry with me when it becomes hard. Women who I can relate to and can relate to me, when we just feel like the world doesn’t get it.
As a stepmom I get how it feels to hear the following:
“You’ll understand when you have your own” – talking about parenting
“You’re not their real mom” – discussing something regarding your stepkids
“What’s their mom like” – first question when you mention your a stepmom
“You knew what you were getting into” – when you were struggling being blended
“Leave it to their real parents” – when you are looking for parenting advice
“Your husband must be (insert emotion – depending on the situation – as if you are indifferent)”
Empowering Stepmom’s to take back their place in their blended family
Being disregarded as a parent, feeling like an imposter, and not knowing when you are going too far for the kids you love with your whole heart.
It is difficult to remain confident in this role when society is pushing you to feel less than, or like you don’t belong in a parenting position.
Finding other stepmom’s to talk through these things has been a game-changer
It always amazes me to find out how similar our struggles are, how often we suffer from the same hurt. It reminds me that my feelings are justified. That my role in the kid’s life is real and it is important. I have the option to just tune out the noise of those who simply don’t get it.
Being a stepmom is not something we should feel shame around. We have chosen to love a child who doesn’t share our DNA. Despite all of the struggles and knowing that we will have to sit on the sidelines because we get that it’s on us to keep the peace. We have had to learn to be the bigger person. To accept our partners will always have a relationship with their ex. That our children share a bond with another woman that we may never understand.
It takes strength, courage and incredible self-restraint to survive being a stepmom. Even if society hasn’t quite caught onto that just yet. I strongly recommend finding a stepmom support system that shares your values. People who will be there for you when times get tough and who will truly understand your position as a stepmom. Reach out to me if what I write resonates, I am here to help!
I see you, I thank you, I am you.
Looking forward to discussing this topic further on the Nother Mother Podcast!