As a stepmom, I’ve so often heard that co-parenting is best for the children. While I agree that if you can get along with the other parent(s), that will make things a whole lot easier, and minimizing conflict for the children is always best, there are boundaries that get blurry in this conversation. Forced co-parenting isn’t necessarily always the best approach.
When I first entered my role as a stepmom, I had big dreams of sharing holidays and big moments with the kids and their mom, as a big happy family. In my mind, this was the ideal scenario. The kids would get to have both their parents in the same room, everyone they loved could be together.
My Experience as a Stepchild and Co-Parenting Dynamics
If I had taken a moment to stop and consider my own situation as a child, I may have let this dream go much earlier. I would rush to get ready when my dad would arrive at the door to pick us up, especially if my stepdad was home. Seeing my dad in my mom’s house, talking to either mom or stepdad, was awkward, to say the least. I dreaded these moments, I did not dream of being at a table with all of the people I loved. Everyone was polite, myself included, and it was uncomfortable. It was certainly not something I wish we did more of in my family, so why was I trying to push for this with my stepchildren?
It occurred to me shortly after an event that we all attended for my stepson. The kids are not the same when we are all together, they become … polite. Not that they aren’t well mannered usually, but they seem distant in a way, uncomfortable.
My stepdaughter and I were headed for our girl’s day out when I decided to just ask. She admitted she didn’t love when we all gathered together, she felt it was awkward.
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Flaws With Forced Co-Parenting
My Stepdaughter did not love seeing Stepmom, Dad, and Bio Mom breaking bread.
It was eye-opening for me. I had never really thought about it from the child’s perspective, I had always assumed they would love these moments … When I myself hadn’t even felt that way. This isn’t to say families that truly become friends with the co-parents don’t have a different outcome, but that is not our dynamic. The kids can feel the tension, they know the pleasantries are forced, they can feel it.
So, for those of us who have wished to give our children the jerseys, the family holidays, the vacations. Let it go. The kids don’t even want it, we don’t really want it, not what it would look like in this reality. Kudos to those who make it work, truly work, but that is not us.
Have you been pressured into forced co-parenting? Please leave a comment below to continue the conversation!