Being a stepmom is hard. I can tend to have a bit of a temper and my filter wasn’t always at the ready when words would fly out of my mouth. These characteristics aren’t exactly ideal when it comes to being in a blended family. I remember the feeling, the pit in my stomach, whenever I’d be told how mom does it. I would instantly feel defensive. Although I rarely responded with a snippy comment, it took everything in me to bite my tongue. Lesson’s from the bio mom on how to parent, keep a house or clean the damn kitchen sink was the last thing I wanted.
It took me years to get over these feelings. It would affect me to the point where I was irritated with my stepkids. As if they were intentionally trying to get under my skin. I felt like they were trying to tell me I didn’t measure up. I believed the words were to blame. The kid’s feelings about me, about her, were the issue. It wasn’t until I considered what was really underneath my reaction that I learned I was the problem. It was my insecurity, my need to compete, that was creating the response.
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Changing my perspective changed everything
Once I came to terms with my feelings, I began trying to shift my thoughts. I started putting myself in the kid’s shoes… what if when I was a kid I shared with someone how my mom did something? What would my motivation be? My conclusion was that they are trying to relate. They are taking what they know and applying it to the moment. They weren’t trying to get under my skin or put their mom above me, they were simply trying to feel connected.
This realization made me feel so much lighter. I was able to engage with them in these conversations. Show interest in what they are saying rather than shutting it down and removing myself.
Don’t get me wrong, this is a work in progress. There are still times it stings and I’ll need to remind myself, but getting to the root of the problem has made it a hell of a lot easier to deal with.
Our bonds have strengthened. My attitude has softened. I feel at peace in my family.
It’s incredible to me how much I’ve grown because of stepmotherhood. I’ve had to really take a look at myself, at where my issues are, and work to resolve them. This role is complicated and it can eat you alive if you let it. Taking the time to reflect and focus on what we are in control of is the secret to not only surviving but living a full, happy life.