Stepmoms are often told to stay out of the courtroom during a custody battle. This is often unsolicited advice from someone who is basically telling you to stay in your lane, or it’s none of your business, being that you are not the child(ren)s “real parent”. It is something that was always so frustrating to hear.
When it came time to go into the courtroom in my situation, I stayed out, physically. Let me tell you why.
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1. The Wicked Stepmom Stereotype
Daytime courtroom television. The stepmom is usually portrayed as a trouble maker, they always leave you feeling like you want to shake them and tell them to mind their own business. They are the ones bringing the most drama, warranted or not, it’s not a stereotype I wanted to perpetuate.
2. The Stepmom vs Bio Mom Competition
My presence would only get biomom’s back up more than it already was. We had a goal and that was to get as much time with the kids as possible, with limited arguing. If I was in there fighting for more time with her kids, in turn taking that time from her, she will fight harder. I’ll bet she was not thrilled that I was the one spending family time with her kids and their dad, so making her stare at me while they were working out details, would not be helpful.
3. Stepmom’s Voice Is Better Received Through Her Husband
I didn’t need to be in that room to have my voice. My husband and I had discussed the options at length, we were on the same page and he was fighting for our family. He didn’t need me to be there to know what to say. We had talked about what we wanted, what we would settle for, and what was a hard no. He was my voice and I didn’t need to throw it in biomom’s face.
If you are going through a custody battle, try to think about what will help your side and what will hurt it. If you are going into the courtroom because you think you have a right to it, consider how that is helpful. I do believe you should have a say as to what will happen in your life, but talking about it with your husband beforehand is just as effective in achieving that. If you are going in because your husband needs you there, that is a whole different thing, but just know it may create more conflict with biomom.
Court is stressful, and it’s hard not to get wrapped up in trying to “win” or “beat biomom”, but that’s not really the point. The main reason for this battle is the children and what’s best for them, or at least it should be. So keep your eye on the bigger picture, help your husband to do that too, and try to keep the drama to a minimum. You don’t need the extra stress in your life and it will never help you to create more tension. Please leave a comment below to continue the conversation!