Blended family life is so complicated. We have so many scenarios that are out of the norm or aren’t talked about, leaving us to blindly navigate our way through. One of the big ones is whether you treat your stepchildren and bio children the same, or if you should.
In my situation, there is a 6-year difference between my youngest stepchild and my oldest biological child. A significant age gap seems to be fairly typical in stepfamilies. What this creates is a natural difference in parenting. Think about a first family with kids who are not the same age. You wouldn’t treat your infant the same way you treat your 6-year-old. Their needs are different, the behavior is different… they are different. So why in a stepfamily do we feel so much pressure to treat them all the same?
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The fear is that your stepchildren feel less loved, or your partner thinks you are favoring your biological children or that you are failing as a stepmom. This fear has led me to overcompensate in some situations which can also be dangerous, your biological kids may feel you’re giving preferential treatment to your stepkids, or your stepchildren may develop a sense that they come before your bio kids. ITS. A. LOT.
The way I have gone about this is just to parent them all. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, my husband and I decided early on that I would take on a parenting role in our home and so, that’s what I do. I screw up sometimes, I lose my cool on occasion, I apologize and I love my kids. If it seems one is feeling some jealousy, we make a point to get some one-on-one. Being aware is the most important thing, watching for the cues that someone needs a little extra love or attention, and facilitating that.
Step or not, this is your family
I think we all too often put the emphasis on the blender when it should be on the needs of our kids. It doesn’t matter how we became a family, we’re here now. If we stop comparing the kids through a lens of yours and ours, it is much easier to focus on the real root of the issue and take steps to resolve it.
No family is perfect, there will always be obstacles and stepfamily life only creates more room for drama. Try to give yourself some grace and look to the fact sharing DNA is not the end all be all of the behavior. Children do not always make it easy on their parents, even when they are biologically connected. Please leave a comment below to continue the conversation!