Mother’s Day, ugh. For a day that is meant to make moms feel special, it can sure do the opposite to a stepmom. As we approach this dreadful day, I wanted to share my tips to help stepmoms get through, and maybe, even enjoy something on it!
In my situation, this has been a day that has made me feel extremely awkward and out of place. I have felt hurt when not being acknowledged, but then the thought of some sort of gesture also felt forced, or unnatural.
For me, there was no winning as a “childless stepmom” on Mother’s Day.
I have always kept the focus on the kids mom when we communicate, asking what they did for her and how the day went. Realistically, I would’ve preferred that we just skip that call altogether, but Sunday’s are always a day we talk.
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Pampering Stepmom is not the job of a Stepchild
I truly believe that children shouldn’t be forced to include their stepparent on these days. I never was. And when I decided to buy my stepdad his first father’s day card, I genuinely think it meant more because it was something that came from the heart, not obligation.
I also hate the idea of the kids feeling guilty, or caught in a loyalty bind, strictly to validate me on Mother’s Day. I’m sure it would create feelings for their mom and I do not want to be responsible for any potential fallout from that. I know how it makes me feel when the kids have told me their mom has them do crafts for her boyfriend on Father’s Day… so, I prefer not to be a hypocrite when I can help it.
Some tips to help Stepmoms get through Mother’s Day
Anyway, it’s something that we can’t avoid. No matter how much most of us want to, so here’s my advice on how to get through it as best you can:
- If it truly bothers you, have your husband do something special for Stepmother’s Day. It is the Sunday following Mother’s Day. You can begin your own traditions on the holiday created specifically for us! I know it may feel weird, but if you talk to your man and have him do the work. It will become normal and give you your moment.
- Do something for yourself. Go to the spa, get together with girlfriends, create a stepmom’s support group. Get out of the house and out of your head. In the end, nothing about this day is a reflection of the love between you and your stepkids.
- Focus on your mom, sister, or any other woman in your life that deserves some extra attention. It can help to shift your mindset. Doing something special for someone else can bring just as much joy!
- Ask your husband to recognize you on Mother’s Day. He may not realize the feelings that can come up. Go ask him to take you out for breakfast, or buy you flowers. Give some direction!
- EXPECT NOTHING. Expectations are the root of evil, especially on Mother’s Day, so do not have any. This will just be another day, potentially spent listening to all the wonderful things biomom woke up to. So plan for that. If you haven’t laid it out for your husband, don’t expect him to realize you need anything. In fairness, it can be awkward for everyone involved.
Lessons From the Past
What I’ve learned over the past seven Mother’s Days spent as a stepmom is that there is no right way to do it. Just be honest about what you need. It is not the kid’s responsibility to help you feel comfortable. Especially if that will put them in a place of discomfort.
We will get through this one, as we’ve gotten through so many other awkward days in stepfamily life. I see you, I feel you, I am you.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of the women putting in the work and giving their hearts. XO
Leave a comment below and share your tips to help stepmoms this year!