The biggest difference I feel between my biological children and my stepchildren is the pressure of raising them.
Although I worry about my stepkids and their future just as much, I do not carry the weight of it the same. Ensuring they hit each milestone on time is not my burden. I will discuss my concerns with my husband if I sense one of them falling behind, but then I leave it with him to follow through. Whether they have great manners, go to college or become wonderful parents is not a direct reflection of me. Society does not look to me when they act out, I’m just the stepmom after all. There is less pressure.
Join our email list and you will receive a free download of my book A Stepmom’s Guide to Figuring Out Her Role In a Blended Family.
Did your mother not teach you any manners? There are expectations that come with being the mom.
With my biological kids, every little decision is on me. If I stop breastfeeding, am I harming him? Should he be rolling, crawling, sitting up, walking, talking by now?! If they aren’t reaching their milestones, what am I doing wrong?! Am I failing in my maternal duties? Then there is the worry that they won’t turn into happy, competent adults. If they don’t say thank you or speak kindly to others that is my fault, I haven’t taught them well enough. If they are sick, I have to decide when they go to the doctor, if they are struggling in school, I have to know when to seek out help. If they are being bullied or being a bully, I need to decide how to handle the situation. It’s a lot of pressure.
I love each of my children the same amount, but it is different. In a sense it is easier to love my stepchildren, I don’t have to worry as much about every little decision, the weight of my choices is lighter. I get to enjoy my time watching them grow up, without a lot of parental stress. But then there are things that make loving my biological kids easier. They are mine, I am not under a microscope and never feel my position in their lives is being threatened. I feel the right to take pride in the fact they say thank you or do a good deed. It’s just different.
Being a mom is never simple, step or otherwise.
I know we face a lot of struggle being stepmom’s, but when it comes to the pressure of how they turn out, let it go. Do your best and enjoy each stage of their lives knowing that no one will be looking at you when they fall short of an expectation, let’s face it, we’re not their “real mom”.
As for the bio moms, go easy on yourselves … none of us are perfect, no child progresses at the exact right speed when it comes to every milestone. Let them be unique and develop in their own way.
Stepparenting is far from stress-free, so try to enjoy the fact that if the kids do something you are not proud of, you can shift the judgment. It’s not on you stepmama. Please leave a comment below to continue the conversation!