Being a stepmom is hard. We all know this. We have to endure battles that started before us, bite our tongues when we want to scream and accept the unacceptable. There are struggles that we never anticipated having to work through. For me, it’s been accepting that I do not get a first family. Knowing that my husband experienced becoming a father with someone else. Understanding that financial decisions are not solely decided in our home. Learning the weight of mom guilt is multiplied when the children were created by someone else.
It’s funny, or maybe not, the things that end up bothering us as time goes by. In the early days, I thought it would be my husband interacting with his ex. I thought I’d be jealous, or insecure. My issue with their relationship is actually the opposite. I would be thrilled to see them get along, even be remotely friendly, for any period of time. The moments that I find hardest have nothing to do with his ex, or even him. It’s the idea of what I thought would be, not being that gets me.
Join our email list and you will receive a free download of my book A Stepmom’s Guide to Figuring Out Her Role In a Blended Family.
Grieving The First Family Idea
Society doesn’t widely understand stepfamilies. People often shrug off that I am a parent to my stepchildren. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to remind people that I have four kids. Often when I do this I’m met with “oh ya, but you know what I mean”, or something to that effect. I get it, the kids aren’t with us most of the year, and I wasn’t there for their birth. Yet I can’t bring myself to use #boymom, because that doesn’t feel right either.
For a long time, I let it upset me. It was frustrating not feeling like I truly belonged in either category. I am a boy mom, but I have a daughter, but I’m not my daughter’s mom. I let it irritate me that people didn’t see me as a mother of four, yet if I suggested another, that’d make five! It just felt like I was always getting the short end of stepfamily life.
Until I realized it didn’t matter.
My Family Comes First
Once I decided to focus on how things were, instead of how people may or may not perceive, these issues no longer bothered me. It wasn’t really what they were saying that was upsetting. It was the grief, the loss. I had pictured my life a certain way, and it’s not how things turned out. The loss of my dream was the focus, instead of embracing my reality.
What I realize now is that not everyone understands my family. Some people only have experienced the first family dynamic. They are not discounting my role, they simply haven’t really thought about it. Which is okay. It’s not on anyone else to validate me as a parent. Society does not decide whether you love a child. I’ve come to know that who I am to the kids is what matters. How I feel about my life is what counts. Not the hashtags, not the paperwork. This is the life I chose, and I’m so happy I did.
That was a big struggle for myself to accepted that I wouldn’t be Frank’s first family. I had to grieve that we wouldn’t have children of our own too. Great advice and beautifully written.
It’s a tough reality, but important to grieve! xo