Being the better house was a central focus for me for years. Doing all the fun things. Having all the best stuff. I wanted the kids to prefer being with us. I wanted this for a few reasons, most of which I’m not very proud of.
I loved when we would do something for the first time. First rollercoaster, first camping trip, their first time seeing a movie in 4-D. It didn’t really matter, as long as it was exciting and it was happening with us. I never really considered why this was important to me, but it was. I spent a lot of energy coming up with things that would feed this desire. The mission seemed harmless, the kids got to have fun and enjoy new things, everyone was happy, what could be wrong?
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Seeing The Other Side
After have yet another wonderful visit full of excitement and firsts, it was time to start packing their things and preparing the kids for the flight home. I’ll never forget my stepson’s hand grabbing mine keeping me from walking up the stairs. He looked up at me with his big brown eyes full of hurt and said “I don’t want to go”.
This moment changed everything.
I tried to remind him of all he had to look forward to when he got back to his mom, but the damage was done. He wanted to stay with us, stay at the funhouse. I had worked for this, pushed for it even, so why was it so painful?
Their Full Picture Includes More Than Just Us
In that moment I realized that no matter what they felt, their reality is so much more than just having fun. Whether they preferred being with us or not, that is not the full picture. They would have to go back to their moms. Go back to school, everyday responsibilities. Even if it was the last thing they wanted to do, they would have to get on that plane. Did I want them to want to come to spend time with us? Absolutely. But I also want them to always have full, happy lives, no matter where they were spending their time.
How I even saw this as competition is ludacris in hindsight. We get them in our house for 8-10 weeks. Our visitation begins as school breaks start. We have so many advantages on the “fun” front. If I were in biomom’s shoes, I’d be too busy focusing on raising my kids to worry about being the most fun. To be honest, my hope is that I’d be happy for my kids to get to experience a number of things throughout their life, even if it weren’t with me. I can start to feel really guilty about this if I let myself.
What I’ve come to realize is that it’s most important that they are experiencing the best childhood possible. Do I continue to enjoy experiencing new things with them? Absolutely. But now my focus is on how to compliment their lives rather than one-up their day-to-day.