Admittedly I spent years making my life more complicated than it needed to be. Being a stepmom certainly comes with a whole load of stresses, but I didn’t do myself any favors when it came to navigating them. In hopes to help you from making the same mistakes I did, I’ve put together a list of things to make your blended family life run as smoothly as possible.
1. Keep your focus on YOUR home
I wasted so much time worrying about what was happening when the kids weren’t with us. So much so, that I missed out on enjoying the time that they were. When we devote our thoughts to what’s going on in their other home, it’s hard to turn it off. Eventually, we start viewing every interaction as a result of something, or someone, else. We try to overcorrect what we feel is a negative quality fostered in the other home. Simple remarks from the kids turn into attacks planted by our co-parents. Soon it spirals so far that we begin walking on eggshells every day the kids are with us. The reality is, we’ve been trying to put together a puzzle that we never had all the pieces to. You will likely never have the full picture of what happens outside of your time, nor should you. It will serve you much better to keep your focus on the things you do know.
2. Stop viewing yourself as an outsider
There was a time that I felt like the kids were trying to push me out. Their actions were subtle, but I would be hurt by them. Not leaving room for me on the couch. Holding their dad’s hands forcing me to walk behind. Calling our home “dad’s house”. I’d feel like these moves were designed to remind me that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t one of them. I remember the feeling in my gut when these things would happen. It took me a long time, and a baby of my own, to realize they were just being children. Once I started seeing it for what it was, it stopped hurting. I even realized I often still call my mom and stepdad’s house “mom’s”. Kids are not often as devious as the Olsen twins would make us believe. The sooner we address our own insecurities, the sooner we will stop expecting the kids to be sensitive to them.
3. Let relationships develop organically
In the beginning, I was eager. I wanted to bond with the kids. I’d imagine dinners out with biomom, laughing and gushing about the kids. I had a picture in my mind of how things would look, I was excited. I dove in headfirst and expected that everyone else involved would be thrilled. Boy was I wrong. In hindsight, I should’ve considered where everyone else was starting from. The kids had lived through their parents separating and had to adjust to a new life once already. Biomom had watched the life she pictured crumble and had to reimagine her future. I was coming in with a clean slate. Wide-eyed and full of optimism. To them, I was just another nail in the coffin of their first family dream. For the kids, I would cement the fact that their parents would never be together again. For biomom, I was another woman who would have a role in her children’s life. I can’t imagine any woman has children hoping that they would have a second mother figure. Especially when she has no say in who would fill that position. If we truly want to create healthy, trusting bonds in our blended family, we must be compassionate to everyone’s position. It is also important that we allow the kids and biomom to set the pace. Forcing ourselves on everyone will only create more tension and dig ourselves into a hole that we never expected to be in.
4. Stay in your lane
Now, hear me out. I believe in boundaries, but I also feel it is up to us to set them. Sit down with your partner and discuss expectations. Do you want to be responsible for discipline? Do you feel you having contact with bio mom would be beneficial? Would you prefer to be more hands-off? Whatever you decide works for your family is the right thing. The lines may blur every now and then, perhaps even shift into something else, but do what you can to be consistent and let everyone know what they can expect. Over the years I have recreated my lane, and I finally feel we have figured out what keeps things flowing in a positive direction. When your family knows what they can expect from you, it helps you to learn what you can expect from them. The key is to communicate and hold true to your word.
5. Remember we are all human
Don’t lose sight of the fact that your family is made of people. Not villains out to ruin your life or clones of your partner’s ex. We are all people just trying to figure it out. I used to take things personally or assume there was judgment behind certain comments. Then my mom said something to me that really resonated. She asked me how I would’ve felt when I was a child in a certain situation. That changed everything. At that moment I imagined myself as my stepdaughter and my mom as bio mom. It gave me a perspective I hadn’t considered and made me far less defensive. Less critical even. The more we give others a little grace, the clearer our minds become and the happier our family will be.
Although there will inevitably be times where we lose our cool, or take something too personally, keeping these tips in mind will help you to reduce stress in your blended life.