Your expectations can change everything. Expect the worst, and you will probably see the worst. In the beginning, there were a lot of emails that would go back and forth with Biomom. Usually just about arguing for time with the kids. I would get so frustrated, wondering who the hell would argue to give their kids less time with their dad?! Especially when he lives three provinces away!
I came into the relationship as a child of divorce. My mom always encouraged us to have a relationship with my dad. I’m fairly certain she encouraged him to put forth the effort as well. Being that my experience was what it was, I expected that this was the behavior I would see from my husband’s ex. … Boy, was I wrong.
We’ve had to battle our way to every moment we have spent with my stepchildren. A large portion of our time required thousands of dollars and lawyers, but we continued fighting long after there was a court order, being that “reasonable visitation” has proven to be defined differently depending on who you are talking to.
Anyway, it’s been exhausting.
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Sending Bio Mom a Request For More Time
This year my husband found a sleepaway camp for my stepson. However, we were not thrilled about the idea of losing seven days of our limited time. In weighing the pros and cons, I suggested we ask biomom if she’d allow us an extra week to accommodate. My husband literally lol’d at the idea and wished me luck.
We ( really it was all me … ) wrote up a thought out text message, one hitting three major points:
- This camp would be beneficial to our son;
- We’ve lost so much time already this year, implying she’s gained that time, due to covid; and
- It was entirely her decision.
In the past, we have always gone in expecting her to do the right thing, or fight, but either way, we expected to get the time we were requesting. We were never asking anything crazy (a week tops) and would be mindful of any special occasions. But it almost always turned to a long, extremely draining argument.
This time, however, we expected her to say no. We went in with a realistic mindset. That we were ok with whatever she said, that it truly was her choice. We made that very clear, that the ball was in her court and we would respect her decision fully.
Well, it would appear we cracked the code … she agreed to give us the extra week so our guy could attend camp! I was so thrilled when she responded and truly felt a weight lifted. It finally felt like we had broken through! We were on the same side, focusing on what was best for the kids.
Expectations Can Change Everything
Sometimes our perspective is what needs to shift in order to see the change we are looking for. I imagine as their mother, she has struggled with losing control. Losing them for the time they are with us, and losing the idea she had for what her family would be. In giving her some of the power back, allowing her to be involved in the decision-making for her son, rather than pushing her into it, she was more open to seeing the bigger picture.
In the end, with the alteration of our expectations and letting go of our need to control the outcome, we actually got so much more than an extra week. We were able to gain a small glimpse of hope for the future. Hope that the email wars may be a thing of the past. Our expectations can change everything! Expect better, and maybe you will actually get it!
Does anyone else feel the anxiety when you hit send on that email? Please leave a comment below to continue the conversation!