This is a go-to with many of the experts out there. Is stepfamily life getting to you? Time to disengage! It always makes me cringe hearing this advice thrown out there and I’ll tell you why.
Parenting is hard. Whether they came out of your body or not, kids don’t always make raising them easy.
There are days when my 3-year-old seems to do anything he can to drive me insane or the baby will not let me put him down for more than 3 seconds so I can go to the bathroom. They usually team up and make sure they are working their respective angles simultaneously. When can I disengage?! I can’t… I’m a mom and we need to get through this. People will empathize with me, remind me that it won’t be this way forever and that I’ll be ok.
Now, if my stepkids were to stress me out, or get under my skin in some way I’d be advised to disengage. How is this the answer? What message am I sending to the kids? Early on we decided I would be a parent in our house, so that is what I am no matter how the kids are acting at any given time. Consistency is still hugely important when raising children in a blended family, they need to be able to count on your unconditional love. When things aren’t running smoothly, we figure it out. It is not up to my husband to handle it, while I run a nice bubble bath because parenting his kids is hard. I decided to be a parent to his children, just as I decided to get pregnant with his children, so I honor that commitment.
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When stepmom takes on less of a parenting role
Although I decided to be all in on the parenting with my stepchildren, some stepmom’s do not take this route and I completely respect that. If you are more interested in being dad’s wife than stepmom, that is absolutely okay. In this role, you would be more of a friend or role model than a parent, in which case disengaging is totally an option.
Even the most involved parents need time for themselves
Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I will tell my husband I need a break. We will find time for each of us to get some much-needed relaxation time, whenever we can possibly fit it in. There just needs to be an overall feeling of whether you are committed to parenting the kids, or just being there if needed. You want them to know what to expect from you and not feel you are in and out of their lives when the feeling strikes.
The one thing I did not sign up for
The exception – while I opted to be a parenting stepmom, I did not sign up for a lifetime of fighting with his ex. When things get to be too much on that front, I will be the first to tell you to grab a glass and hope in those bubbles. Often it would just make things worse for you to get involved anyway, so time to disengage!