Being a stepmom is hard. There are so many things to worry about. So many things to be careful of. All the things you shouldn’t do, say, expect, think. If I let myself, I can get really overwhelmed by it.
Well, I slipped. I was having a conversation with my stepdaughter and I let my emotions get the better of me.
She was giving credit to her mom for how she has turned out. Noting the fact that her mom is a single mom. It seemed to me that she felt she and her brother were being raised by their mom alone.
The words came flooding out of my mouth
I jumped into defense mode. I told her that her mom has never been on her own, not really. That her dad has worked very hard to support them all. Financially, emotionally, physically. That we are here, that their grandma has been there. That her mom’s parents have been there. I wanted to be sure she knew they had a lot of people looking out for them, that there was more than just their mom in their corner.
I walked away from the conversation feeling terrible. It had been my own experiences with their mother overshadowing my judgment. The court battle, the never-ending fights just to get a week with them. The reminders that she is mom, and that will always mean more than dad. All of the conflict flooded through my brain and I lost control.
Hindsight being 20/20
If I could go back, I would respond differently. I would just nod my head, smile at my beautiful stepdaughter as she gave her mom all of the credit. Then I’d hug her and tell her she is growing up to be such an incredible person and that of course, her mom has a lot to do with that.
I would let it breathe. Decide later if I wanted to revisit the subject. Take the time to let my blood stop boiling and think it through. Is this going to benefit her? Is it important to combat what she is saying? Will it even matter?
They will grow up to see things for what they truly are all on their own. I know this. So why in this moment did I not trust that?!
I am human. I made mistake. I’m left to deeply regret not biting my tongue.
To be a good stepmom, we need to have great filters
As a stepmom one of the hardest things is swallowing the comments that feel like a reflex. Teaching myself to filter my words through a new lens. To always remember that the kids can’t see everything for what it is, nor should they. Also to know that I am only seeing half the picture myself, that the pieces of the story that are my truth, may not be the whole truth.
A few days after our chat, I apologized to my stepdaughter. I told her that I do recognize what her mother has been through. That I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like for her to be alone all those nights. I explained that my reaction was emotional and that I had been concerned that she felt her mom was all on her own. That they were on their own. That I misjudged her words and jumped to a conclusion, and that I was wrong. I reminded her that we are here for her. That we are available should her mom need any assistance in caring for them.
In the end, I tried to see my misstep as a learning experience and an opportunity to teach my child that I am not perfect. That I make mistakes and that it is okay to apologize when you screw up.
My hope is that she is able to see that I love her. That I would fly across the country at the drop of a hat if her mom asked for help. I would do anything for those kids.
Being a stepmom is hard. Loving these kids is easy. I’m trying to navigate each day the best I can, and that just has to be enough.