Beginners Guide To Becoming A Stepmom

When becoming involved with a man who has children, there are many things to consider. It can be so overwhelming. How do you respond to the children, the biomom, and other family members? Do you discipline, be the friend, keep quiet? 

I wish I had been given more advice when I was entering the role. Advice from someone who had made the mistakes before me, someone to help me through the beginning stages. Another woman who understood that I didn’t know what I was getting into, and that wasn’t about to say “you’ll understand when you have your own.”

I’m here to do just that for the women who are just starting out in their blended situation. I’ve designed the ultimate guide to becoming a stepmom to help you avoid making the same mistakes so many of us have! 

Let the relationship with the kids develop organically

Ease into your role. Get to know what interests the kids. Learn about what they like, dislike, what excites them and what irritates them. Treat them like someone you just met. Likely, you have already heard a lot about them, but they may view you as a stranger. They may even see you as a threat, or living proof that their parents are officially not getting back together. Give them the space to get to know you in their own time, don’t force a relationship that isn’t there just yet.

I felt so much excitement about having stepchildren. I wanted to jump in and become a family. So, I do get the desire to force it. But pushing through boundaries that the kids may have, could hinder your relationship with them in the long run. Keep the big picture in mind, and take your time. You are building a life together, there will be many years to create memories. Don’t rush. 

Having a new person join the family can be a major adjustment to a child. It can change the dynamic. Some kids may feel you are taking time away from them with their dad. Others may be excited to get to know you. Then there’s those that may not know how to feel about you at all. Taking their lead will go a long way for your relationship with the kids. Which will help your overall dynamic a ton in the end!

Don’t take on too much too quickly

It can be exciting to have kids to take care of, especially when they belong to the man you love. It may seem very appealing to help out. Packing lunches, organizing schedules, buying/washing clothes… Doing all the things can make us feel important. The danger is, this approach can result in resentment. A new stepmom may end up feeling stuck. What was fun in the beginning, may begin to feel like an expectation you don’t actually want.

The kids can also feel as though you are trying to take their mom’s place, or be led to believe this, if you are too quick to begin doing parent-like things. It’s important to share mutual respect before coming on too strong. Allow the kids to get to know you as a person. Give their mom the time to adjust to you being in her children’s lives. Although you may have spent months dreaming of being a new mother figure, everyone may not share your enthusiasm.

In giving others time to adjust, and yourself to decide just how much you want to take on, you allow the dynamic to naturally develop. It’ll serve you well in the end, although it may be difficult to hold back! Trying to backpedal later will be far more complicated and has the potential to upset your blended family life. 

Keep your expectations about the ex low 

You’ve probably seen the soccer jerseys, and thought, why not us! I get it, really, I do. My plan was to fix all the conflicts and be best friends with the kids’ mom. I had high hopes of giving them a family, although blended, not broken. A life where their parents got along. Division at events would all be in the past! They would not have to feel torn between their separated parents. Well, although I will never stop trying to limit the conflict, it turns out it’s not as easy as I’d hoped.

You can’t control the ex, and you also can’t change what happened before you arrived. For your own mental health, remain open but expect nothing. Let things develop, be polite, but again, let them set the pace. They never asked for you, odds are they didn’t want another woman to be helping raise their children, so try to keep that in mind. Remember to consider how it would feel from their side. When she envisioned dad teaching them to ride a bike, it was her that was there, not you. She now has to accept that there will be so many things they experience not only without her but with you instead. It cannot be an easy pill to swallow and respecting that can help ease the tension.

I find it helps to think of her in relation to your own mother. Imagine how you would feel if you were the kids, she was your mom and you were your dad’s girlfriend/wife. Putting myself in the place of the child has helped me to keep perspective. Personally, I would’ve always sided with my mom and would’ve resented anyone who tried to sway me from that. It’ll never be worth it to show hostility, so accept her for who she is and let her take the reins on your relationship. No matter what you envisioned.

Talk to your partner about your position. Often.

It is so important to remain on the same page with your partner. Sit down and discuss expectations. What you feel you want things to look like, now, six months from now, and long term. This is a family, and the dynamic will shift, so have these conversations often. Help them to understand your feelings, and be open to theirs. Although I do believe the kids need to be a priority (they need parents to survive), your relationship is most important for a functioning family. It will help to show the kids what to look for in the future, remind them the world does not revolve solely around them and that they cannot manipulate one of you to turn on the other. You need to be a team to keep the family strong.

Having these conversations in the beginning really helped me feel like an important member of our family. We had decided I would be just as involved in our home with my stepchildren as I would any future biological kids. It fit what I wanted, and it was a relief knowing my husband wanted that too. However, we didn’t rush things with the kids. I didn’t participate in their bedtime routine in the beginning. If there was conflict, their dad handled that for the first while. I took very small steps… I think the first parent-like thing was to carry sweaters at a theme park. Start super small!

Being on the same page with your partner can help to take the pressure off and manage expectations. If you both know where the boundaries are, it will help to avoid resentment in the end. Parenting itself can bring on isolating feelings, and stepparenting just adds a whole other layer to that. Communication is so important.

Try not to take it personally! 

So often stepmom’s will feel they don’t belong. Maybe your partner and their ex work well together and they don’t involve you in decisions. Maybe the kids rush past you to talk to their dad. It could even be external factors. The people dismissing your role with comments like “Oh, that must be hard on your husband” when referring to issues with the kids, or “You’ll understand when you have your own” or “Oh, I didn’t realize you aren’t their real mom”. Society often doesn’t understand that comments like this can sting, really sting.

For me, it was movie nights and walks through the neighborhood. The kids on either side of dad, pushing me out. Or at least, that’s what I told myself. It wasn’t until I really put myself in their shoes that I realized it wasn’t some master plan to get rid of me. Kids don’t often consider adults. It is on us to teach them to think of others. Once I understood this, I started using my voice. Asking them to shove over, or calling from the back “What am I?! Chopped liver?!” to encourage someone to walk with me. This issue was only in my own mind. I created it. I truly believe had I just spoken up earlier, I could’ve saved myself a lot of hurt.

When you are feeling left out, take a step back before feeling sorry for yourself. Consider whether you are being overly sensitive because of your position. Try talking to your partner about how you are feeling without making accusations. They may be able to gently help correct the situation or help you to see it for what it really is. Kids will be kids, that is true even when you gave birth to them. The difference is, society understands what it is to be a mother. Sometimes it can be more difficult to find that understanding for a stepmom.

Although there will be a lot of other situations that may arise during your time raising stepchildren, following this advice can set you on a much smoother path to blended bliss. 

Over the years I have made many mistakes when it comes to stepparenting. Although I wish I had followed this advice from the beginning, I’m happy to have had the experiences that led me to where I am. Working through the ups and downs of blended life, I have gotten to a place where I am confident in my role and my ability to help others get here too. If you would like me to help walk you through some of your more specific struggles, schedule a coaching call and we can get started on improving your situation. Looking forward to connecting!