I’m currently on maternity leave with the youngest. I was grateful for the timing, mostly because I got to be home for two summers with all of the kids. Typically I do save my vacation time for when the big kids are with us, but it was so nice being able to be together for the full eight weeks this year.
It may be because of the extra time, or maybe we are just becoming more bonded, but it seemed like the summer flew by even faster than usual. I was dreading the kids leaving. It takes time for the hole they leave behind to fill back in. Their bedrooms seem so empty and still. I can’t bring myself to change sheets or wash the clothes they left behind for weeks. It takes time to work through the feelings of loss when they return to their moms.
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We’re flying home
This year was a bit different than usual. I had the opportunity to fly back with the big kids. I flew four hours with all four kids. It all worked out in the end, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous on the way to the airport. The big kids are so helpful and the littles did a great job. It was also a perfect distraction for the little guys. They didn’t really feel like they were losing their siblings. There was too much going on to really notice. For the time being anyway…
After dropping my stepkids to their mom, we went back to my friend’s house who also happens to have two little guys. It was an exciting distraction for all of us. Later that night though, after the boys were in bed, I got a text. It was my stepdaughter asking how the boys were doing. She was obviously missing them. I don’t usually hear from her so soon. As sweet as I thought it was, my heart was also breaking. I missed her too. It hurt knowing she was feeling separated from her brothers. It’s a tough reality for blended families.
We spent a couple of weeks visiting friends and family. The baby had been born during the pandemic, so he hadn’t met so much of our family. The kid’s mom was generous enough to allow us two nights with the bigs while we were there, so we soaked up every extra minute with them while we could.
Reality is setting in
Although we were planning to be at the school the first day to see them off, we said our goodbyes to the big kids before taking them back to their mom. I cried, I always cry. I can’t help it. It’s painful seeing the kids hug each other. I feel every moment we’ve shared slipping away when they hug me. I’m emotional anyway, so this is not a huge surprise.
What was different this time, is my three-year-old was watching. He started to pretend to cry too. He looked up at me through pretend sobs as we walked away saying “we don’t want them to leave, right mommy?”. Ugh, no buddy, we sure don’t. It made me stop to wonder. Am I making it worse for him? Is this going to make it even harder to leave?
Once we drove away, he seemed to bounce back. We were headed to more waterslides with his buddies. He switched his focus and seemed to move on quickly.
I didn’t hear much from him about his siblings until the first morning waking up back at home.
The kids are gone
My big boy looked at a family picture my husband had hung on the wall while we were away. I want my big brother and sister. I hate that he has to miss them. It’s hard telling a little boy that it’ll be months before he can snuggle his siblings again. It sucks.
While it helped to be away, it’s never easy to say goodbye to your kids. I sit here in our home feeling the emptiness. Making breakfast and pulling two fewer plates hurt. Walking by their bedrooms and seeing perfectly made beds. Knowing that I won’t be up late watching Netflix with our girl. It all hurts.
I’m not sure it’ll ever stop being hard. What I do know though, is I’m so lucky it is. Our family is bonded, full of love and belonging. This pain is caused by a deep love that I wouldn’t trade for anything.
I look forward to the next transition day. 98 days.