I can not even begin to describe in words how deeply frustrating this is to hear when you are a stepmom.
Before having biological children, I loved my stepkids and thought about them constantly. The worrying, the wondering, the planning:
Are they hurting?
What will they be like when they grow up?
Are we making the right decisions for their future?
What camp should we sign them up for?
Are they truly happy?
What should we buy them for Christmas?
Then you try to discuss whatever you are worrying about with another parent and they respond with “Just wait till you have your own.”
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Being a childless stepmom is hard enough
There is nothing more invalidating. What’s that even mean?!? I don’t know what it feels like to love and care for a child? Do they have to physically come from my body to know what it’s like to stress over a decision that needs to be made?!
There is an argument to be made that being a stepmom takes more resilience than having your children biologically. Although you may not have as much pressure on you for how they turn out, you have to swallow so many reactions and emotions along the way.
You love them like your own but have to accept that you are not the mom. You have to smile and listen while they tell you about their mom, or let it roll off your back when someone discredits your feelings because they aren’t really yours. There is a lot of pain opening your heart up to children that already have two parents, it takes more than most people understand.
I am a stepmom and a bio mom, but I call them all my kids
Well, I’ve now birthed two of “my own” children and I still don’t believe there is a need to say this to anyone, ever. The biggest change to my life is that I now have four kids to worry about, to love, and to take over my every thought instead of two.
I love my kids equally, perhaps differently, but no one is loved more than the other whether I created them or not. The things I worry about may look different, but the amount I worry about them is the same.
Until someone has “their own” stepchildren, they have no business assuming what you do or do not feel or understand. Biology is not what makes a good mother. Doing right by your child and loving them no matter what, that’s what it’s about.
Have you struggled with hearing this?