“If it were up to me” is a phrase I regularly catch myself saying. I’m smart enough to know it’s not up to me. It’s not my place and that I don’t get to change the dynamic of our blended family when it comes to their mom, but I can tell you the current system is broken.
We’ve done the court thing. A piece of paper tells us that mom and dad are both to be involved in decision-making. Pertinent information must be shared within 24 hours (this includes doctor’s visits, dentist, illness, report cards, etc.). It is the law to abide by these rules.
I also know, that in order to enforce these rules we have to go back to court. We did not feel this route was best for the kids the first time around. Instead, they strongly recommended both parents agree to the absolute minimum they were willing to accept. As if this was what is in the children’s best interest.
I have been front row to interactions between biomom and dad for years now. As with most separated parents, it’s far from ideal.
I don’t need them to love each other, that scenario would complicate things far more for me actually, but I would like to see some respect shared, at least for the fact that they love the children they created together.
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If it were up to me:
- Both parents would be informed – anything notable I mean, scraped knees can go unannounced but blood tests would be discussed
- The kids would have the freedom to talk to each parent whenever they felt like it, not forced to a schedule decided in a courtroom
- We’d be able to communicate without needing to carefully word each sentence, in fear it would be seen as an attack or leave us open to scrutiny
- Planning a trip to see the kids wouldn’t come with a lengthy battle for time with them.
- The kids would be able to speak freely, just be children and not stress over keeping secrets or being disloyal to one of their parents by being comfortable or confiding in the other
Luckily I have not had to experience separating from my children’s dad. I know it would come with so much frustration and heartache. However, I can’t imagine this is the way I’d want it to be for the kids. I want to believe I would be able to put my crap aside. That I’d keep things as cohesive as possible to make their lives just a little bit less complicated. As the stepmom, I will keep doing what I can do to make things better, and avoid doing anything to make things worse… because that is what is in my control.