Why are stepmoms always disregarded as a parent? Sure, I did not birth two of our children. I wasn’t present during the pregnancy nor did I get that first hug when they were brought into the world. This is true.
However, I did make a conscious decision to become a parent to them. I did prepare a home for their arrival and I have loved them from the beginning of our relationship.
Unless you have been a stepparent, you can’t truly understand how it feels. I recognize that not all of us feel the same about our role or our stepkids. Just as biological parent’s feelings and involvement are not all identical.
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The frustrations of being disregarded as a parent because you are a stepmom are endless
There are so many situations that can be frustrating as a stepmom. Issues with biomom, the kids, awkward moments in public when the waiter refers to you as ‘mom’. But what truly gets me the most, is being completely disregarded as a parent by people in our lives.
The moments that happen to me the most are when talking about having more biological children, or talking about my stepkids leaving to go back to their moms.
When talking about having more children, I often hear, “that would be five for your husband, wow”. It makes me feel like they don’t truly believe I have a real place in my stepkid’s lives, as if he only cares about the four we have and my focus is supposed to be on our two.
Stepchildren, or biological, they are all my kids
The reality is, in my heart, I have four children. When looking for a house, I insisted on a five-bedroom. Could we have made four bedrooms work? Sure, that would still give us extra space for the majority of the year, but one of my kids wouldn’t have a room, not really. I needed the kids to feel they had a permanent place here, and I’ll never lose faith that they’ll be in that room full time at some point in their lives. Every decision we make, I always factor in all of the kids and what it would mean for them, whether I birthed them or not.
When we talk about the big kids going back to their mom’s house, people will often respond with “that must be so hard on your husband.” Again, I feel as though this person believes I have nothing invested like they imagine I could care less if the kids are with us or not.
There has not been one time that they’ve gotten on the plane without seeing me cry.
Every year I assure them I’m not going to, that it’s only x number of months until I’ll see them again. But without fail, I can’t keep it together. I spend months leading up to their visits planning, counting days, and trying to contain my excitement for their arrival. Then I get the pit in my stomach leading up to their departure. Until feeling my heartbreak watching them walk to the security line … where I usually have to say a tearful goodbye.
This is just how it is. It’s our life, but it never gets easier. And it certainly doesn’t help to have my feelings diminished by others strictly because I didn’t have part in creating the kids.
Let me know if you have ever been disregarded as a parent before. Or if there are specific topics that seem to make people assume you feel less towards your kids because you didn’t birth them! Comment below, I would love to continue this conversation!