It wasn’t supposed to happen, but I fell in love with a man who had two children.
The littles lived in another province, so it wasn’t very complicated for the beginning stages of our relationship. There were Skype calls 3 times a week and I loved getting to know them by listening in. Still, there were questions.
1. Will he want an ours baby?
His kids were out of the baby stage, no more diapers, some independence. Would he want to go back and do it all again?
I’ve been told this was crazy, but I asked him this one before we exchanged numbers. Dealbreakers are best-presented upfront, why put yourself through the unnecessary heartache!
2. What if we don’t work as a blended family?
I knew I would love the kids. I had already fallen for them before they even knew I existed.
They had lived through a breakup, I didn’t want to be another failed relationship in their young lives.
Before meeting his kids, be sure you and your partner are in it for the long haul. I don’t believe in timelines as much as intentions, so just be sure to understand the weight of this introduction.
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3. Is there a chance for dad and bio mom to reconnect?
My new love was not one to speak poorly of his ex. Their relationship had been very strained in the early years of separation and had just started improving. She had been allowing more access to the children which perhaps had my man shining a more favorable light on her than may have been warranted.
Over time he exposed his true feelings and all of the reasons they had no chance of reconciling. That is between them, but as he let me in, my fears evaporated.
Discuss this with your partner if you are insecure about it. Clearing any worries up early is key to not reacting out of jealousy later. They will need to communicate and you don’t want to be stressing that it’s more than just co-parenting.
4. How will I fit into the big picture?
Boyfriend had been traveling back on his breaks from teaching to be with the kids. What would this mean for me?
I worked full time with a measly two weeks vacation, there was no way I’d be able to join him. Spending Christmas and summertime separated was not an option for me, but am I the evil stepmother if things change?
My advice on this is to take it slow. You don’t want to come on too strong before the kids figure out how they feel about you. Once you get into a groove, start bending what’s not working. All families evolve, even first families, so naturally, a blended family would need some adjusting!
5. Will the kids like me?
This fear came on quickly at the last possible minute. I hadn’t been nervous about this until my man was on his way with the kids. What would it mean if they don’t like me? Could this even work?
What I’ve come to realize is that the relationship between stepmom and kids can be complicated. Although I still believe that it is important that stepmom doesn’t negatively affect the relationship between dad and children, the kids also shouldn’t be making adult decisions for the family. It takes time to develop a bond, so tread lightly in the beginning stepmama, respect needs to be earned on both sides of blended life!
What were you most worried about?