I am somewhat competitive by nature. My brothers will tell you I have to win, or have the last word, or get my way. I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with that for most situations. My husband would say I am very curious, ask a lot of questions, and need details.
So, when I started dating a man who had children with another woman, I needed to find out about her, the relationship, and how I was different. The comparison, if not, the competition started early.
Let the Comparisons begin!
I have always loved kids, I started babysitting at 11 years old and before that, I would take the neighborhood toddlers out to play as something fun to do. So, it was a natural transition into motherhood when I got to know my stepkids.
As my bond with the kids grew, so did my competitive feelings about their mom. I felt defensive when they would tell me that she folds differently than I do, or makes something another way. They may have been saying different, but I heard better. It would twist my insides and force me to bite my tongue. The reason for this is ridiculous, I know that, but it would happen over and over. It came to a point that I was getting annoyed at my reaction, it was frustrating to me that they would compare my actions to hers, so I started pulling back.
Was it Time to Take it a Step Back?
Once I actually had a minute to think about what was happening, I decided it wasn’t that I needed to disengage, I needed to change the way I was thinking. They were not making the comparisons I initially thought, they were trying to relate to the experience.
They were talking about their mother, the person who gave birth to them and has been raising them. What if someone told me it was offensive of me to talk about my mom? They are kids, of course, they will share stories about events that happened with their mother… I needed to start being a grown-up and recognize that.
Being a stepmom can be so difficult, but if we focus on the children and stop trying to make believe that we are the only mother, our lives become much less stressful.
Now I try to focus on my strengths and try to enhance their lives in those areas. I remind myself they are lucky to have two women showing them alternate ways of doing things and exposing them to different experiences they may not have if they were in a first family. Just as we want our stepfamily to make room for us, we need to leave space for the kid’s mother. After all, without her, we wouldn’t have them. Please leave a comment below to continue the conversation!